Moved by President Obama’s pleadings, Biden and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton resigned their posts last week in order to switch positions and become America’s first Cabinet-level tag team.

On Monday, Clinton won Congressional approval to be the nation’s Number Two, adding a hefty bottom to the Democrats’ 2012 Presidential undercard.

CHAIRMAN JOHN KERRY:  Good morning, everyone.  The Committee is delighted to welcome former Vice President Biden, or, as he was referred to by White House pollsters, “Dead-Weight Joe.”

Once confirmed, he will oversee the steaming pile of dung that’s been our foreign policy under the capable Mrs. Clinton.  I assure you, Joe Biden can manage the load.

We all know America is a nation in decline, a nation hurtling toward the depths.  With his misplaced sense of humor, endearing ineptitude, and characteristic superciliousness, Joe is well-equipped to lead us into irrelevance.

Before we begin the questioning, I would like to offer a few thoughts about. . . .

. . . . defeating the worldwide scourge of male pattern baldness, preventing the unnecessary loss of trillions of innocent follicles. . . .

. . . . extraditing Dick Cheney to the Hague to account for his. . . .

. . . . returning Texas and California to Mexico, from whom we unjustly. . . .

. . . . calming Americans’ unreasoning dread of a Global Caliphate . . .

. . . . encouraging India to vaporize Pakistan, ushering in an era of peace in that troubled. . . .

Now, to save time, we’ll dispense with a self-serving statement from the Ranking Member and my esteemed colleague, Senator Lugar, and go right to questioning.  Suit you, Mr. Vice President?

BIDEN:  Sure.  [looks into camera and nods at Kerry] Don’t let the long face and sober mien fool ya, folks.  Kerry’s a regular guy.  The other day we were playin’ bumslap in the locker room at the New York Athletic Club, and he. . . .

KERRY:  That was Bob Kerrey, Joe.

BIDEN:  Whatever.

KERRY:  Let’s do a foreign policy word association exercise first.

BIDEN:  Shoot.

KERRY:  Palestinians.

BIDEN:  Give ’em a chunk of money to ignore Israel, then sic ’em on Iran.

KERRY:  Guantanamo.

BIDEN:  Release the detainees.  Say, “We grab you on the battlefield again, we’ll shave your beard and feed you pulled pork sandwiches.”  To hell with Human Rights Watch.

KERRY:  Nicarugula

BIDEN: Um, nice, with a light balsamic, maybe some parmesan shards?

KERRY:  Bumslap, huh?  Gotcha.

BIDEN:  Damn.

KERRY:  North Korea.

BIDEN:  They’re paranoid about security.  Give ‘em Bill Clinton to serve as hostage to our good behavior.

KERRY:   Muslim Brotherhood.

BIDEN:  Ask Minister Farrakhan to go to Egypt and liaise with the brothas.

KERRY:  On a more personal note:  What was your proudest moment in the foreign arena as Vice President

BIDEN:  Tell you a story that’s never been reported.

April 2009, a few months after we took over.  The standoff between the USS Bainbridge and Somali pirates holding the captain of an American-flagged ship in a lifeboat was in its fourth day and showed no signs of ending.

I said to the President, “Lemme fly out there, Boss, settle this thing.  I grew up with guys like that, workin’-class stiffs tryin’ to make an easy buck any way they could.  I’ll get down and dirty if I hafta.”

The Big O says, “Do it, Joe.”

Twelve hours later I was aboard the Bainbridge and had assumed command of the ship.  I parleyed with the pirates in Somali, which I speak fluently.  They musta been hopped up.  Wouldn’t listen.  So, I decided to move on ‘em.

I nixed a proposal to have a SEAL dive team surface next to the boat, climb in and overwhelm the pirates.  “No waterboarding, ” I told the SEALs.  “Not in this administration.”  Instead, I stationed snipers on the ship’s fantail, spotting for one of them.

When the time was right, I gave the order and my guys took ‘em down.  Then I dove in, grabbed our hostage, and got ‘im back to the ship in twelve foot seas.

KERRY:  Amazing.

BIDEN:  Don’t make me out like a hero, now.  Just doin’ my job.

KERRY:  How can we prevent such a situation from happening again?

BIDEN:  Piracy was allowed to grow and fester under the previous administration, John.  President Bush never reached out to the pirates; instead, he dismissed them as barbarians and thieves.

In fact, the Obama Administration has developed evidence these high seas entrepreneurs often mistakenly target American vessels because of dense fog caused by global warming.

The President has authorized me to share ship identification technology with responsible members of the pirate community to reduce the chance of a repeat incident.

KERRY:  Ah, my time’s up.  Before I yield, I want to thank Mr. Biden for his excellent advice on registering my yacht in Panama, beyond the reach of. . . .

BIDEN:  Don’t go there, John.

Minutes

December 24, 2011

OFFICERS PRESENT

Debbie Wasserman Schultz, National Chairleader

Mike Honda, Vice Chair, UAW Liaison

Donna Brazile, Vice Chair, Hemispheric-Americans Voting Rights Coordinator

Linda Chavez-Thompson, No Relation to Cesar or Fred

OTHERS

Akio Toyoda, President, Toyota Motor Company

James Clyburn, Emissary, Congressional Black Caucus

Diane Sawyer, Network Lackey

Arthur “Pinch” Sulzberger, Print Shill, New York Times

Eric Holder, Attorney General for Minority Rights

Dennis Kucinich, Director, Munchkins United for America PAC

Betty Friedan (1921-2006), Founder, League of Dead Women Voters
(Whoopi Goldberg, Channeler))

PROCEEDINGS

Ms. Wasserman Schultz called the meeting to order at 10:14 a.m. after police were called to settle a dispute between Mr. Honda and Mr. Toyoda.

On secure video uplink, President Obama spoke briefly from the Kauai Lagoons Golf Club putting green.  He warned of the hard road ahead.

AG Holder arrived at 10:23, claiming he never received a memo about the session.

OLD BUSINESS

1.  Ms. Wasserman Schultz announced that Planned Parenthood had submitted the winning design for the new Democratic National Committee logo.

2.  General Holder reported the DOJ has notified all 18,000 U. S. municipalities to eliminate pre-registration as a requisite for voting.

“The requirement is a violation of the 1965 Voting Rights Act,” Holder said.  “It disenfranchises our  homeless citizens, who can’t know in which community they’ll be living on Election Day.”

3.  Ms. Chavez-Thompson confirmed that friendly Federal magistrates in Pennsylvania and Ohio have agreed in advance to extend metropolitan area poll hours until midnight on Election Eve 2012 so that derelicts caught up in late sweeps by ACORN press gangs may exercise their franchise.

4.  Ms. Wasserman Schultz again expressed concern about growing public awareness of influence peddling by Congressional Democrats.

The Committee previewed a video scheduled for showing at House and Senate party caucuses in January.  It opens with former Congressman William “Cold Cash” Jefferson discussing integrity and ethics.  Barbra Streisand closes with a cautionary tune inspired by South Pacific’s “You’ve Got to Be Carefully Taught.”

You’ve Got to Be Carefully Bought

You’ve got to wiggle your bum
Like a worm.
You’ve got to land those big fish
Term to term.
You need to show them
You’ll never stand firm,
So you can be carefully bought.

You deserve to be bought–
Take your share.
All your colleagues are bought;
It’s quite fair.
Yes, demand what’s your due;
Who’ll glean a clue
As long as you’re carefully bought?

You better grab the dough
While you can.
You know it’s the reason you ran.
Snag it in cash,
Mr. Government Man;
Stash it with forethought
Or poop hits the fan,
And your cunning might all come to naught.

Now, if you’re found out,
You must claim
That it’s all a political frame.
Just brazen it out,
And show no one your shame.
There’s a chance you’ll stay carefully bought.

NEW BUSINESS

1.  Ms. Wasserman Schultz queried Mr. Sulzberger on the status of the DNC newsletter, the New York Times.

Mr. Sulzberger said the paper is hemorrhaging money and readers.   He is disappointed by the poor response to a current promotion: dinner at La Grenouille with Paul Krugman for new subscribers who purchase a three month subscription.

Sulzberger also revealed he is in talks with Globe Magazine regarding a merger.  “The Times gets an instant shot of credibility if the deal happens,” he said.

Regarding a balanced profile of Newt Gingrich that appeared recently in the Times, Mr. Sulzberger said, “Normally, we’d spike such a piece, but we’re broke.  That edition sold out as a collectors’ item.  We sell more newspapers or we’ll wind up a Saudi billionaire’s trophy rag.”

2.  Ms. Brazile recommended firing DNC internet trolls striking for Carpal Tunnel coverage.  “Let’s outsource their work to internet boiler room drudges from Pakistan,” she suggested.  Tabled.

3.  Ms Wasserman Schultz read a poem she penned for the Party’s upcoming fundraising appeal.

The year ends well; the Pubbies caved.
We’ve gotten mostly what we’ve craved:
To gut our econ, sound retreat,
Color red our balance sheet,
Show lesser countries we’ll self-screw
to keep a lid on CO2,
And borrow money (since we’re broke)
to give to Gaia’s poorer folk.

We’ve brought our country to the brink
And shown we’re not afraid to blink;
Ahead: more change! tricked-up reform!
And by these measures Earth transform.

We’ll cool the planet, save the whales,
Tell our kids tall climate tales.
And when we’re through and temps are pleasing,
We’ll warm to threats of global freezing.

4.  Ms. Sawyer will interview Ms. Friedan next spring on 20/20.  Tentative title for the segment: “You’re Never Too Dead to Vote.”

5.  Ms. Brazile wondered how Party candidates might make more effective appeals to diverse ethnic groups.

Mr. Clyburn recalled Senator Obama receiving positive reviews for “talking Appalachian” at a Shenandoah Valley church supper in 2008.

Subsequently, Clyburn said, Obama hawked his redistributionist philosophy to Italians, Jews, and Poles in their own vernacular.

The Committee agreed to consider hiring ethnic speechwriters to help candidates pitch the Party’s socialist message to targeted audiences this election season.  Program code name: Marxist Dialectics.

Motion to adjourn.  Unanimous.

OBAMA:  Hey Axe!  Whassup?

No, I don’t know who leaked our decision to abandon blue collar whites.  Soon’s we find the S.O.B., we’ll dress him up like a banker and drop him into the middle of an OWS protest.

You’re kidding.  We gotta reverse course because word got out?

Okay, I understand: you want me and Joe to be regular people for a while.  Suggestions?

Avoid Camp David.  Fine.  Too rustic for my taste, anyway.  Anything else?

Wait until after the election to eminent domain Lafayette Square and build a White House pitch and putt complex?  No problem.  That it?

What?!  Aw, c’mon, man!  You can’t be serious.  That would demean the office of the Presidency.

All right, all right, I’ll do it.  Yeah, we’ll brainstorm more ideas, too.  Okay, later. [hangs up]

BIDEN:  Chief?

OBAMA:  First thing tomorrow, Joe, you and I begin hanging new drapery in the East Room.

JAY CARNEY:  I’ll alert the networks to have camera crews in place by 10:00 a.m., sir.

BILL DALEY:  Your 9:00 o’clock tee time with Tiger at Congressional, Mr. President?  I’ll call him and canc. …

OBAMA:  Ixnay!  SNL’s Fred Armisen owes me big for resuscitating his career.  Request his presence here at dawn in work clothes and cap.   Jay, don’t give the signal to start taping until Fred and Joe are atop their ladders.  No close ups.

VALERIE JARRETT:  [hanging up phone] You and Michelle are signed up for the Tuesday night mixed league at the Lucky Strikes Lanes in Bethesda, sir.  First-timers bring beer.

OBAMA:  Oh joy.  Well, anyway, Versace’ll need a few weeks to design Michelle’s bowling duds.  We’ll start after we get back from Hawaii in Jan . . . Joe, what?

BIDEN:  Um, regular folks don’t go to the islands on holiday, Skipper.   Better stick close this year.  How ‘bout us two and the wives do some day trips:  Busch Gardens, say; maybe check out Bob’s Reptile House in Virginia; or take a bird walk at the National Zoo.

OBAMA:  This is getting out of hand.

BIDEN:  Ooh, that sparks a thought, Number One.  Let’s you and me do a Bush-Cheney sock puppet show for poor kids next Saturday in the Rose Garden.  Bush and Cheney are quail hunting in Jersey, see, when Cheney turns towards Bush and accidentally discharges his weapon, winging Jon Corzine who’s nearby throwing bags of money into a big hole he’s dug. Meanwhile. . . .

OBAMA:  Wait wait wait.  We’re going about this bass ackwards.  I won’t get reelected because the great unwashed think I’m one of them; I’ll win if the economy booms.  How do we make that a reality in eleven months?

BIDEN:  Bring Rick Santelli in and do what he says?

JARRETT:  The President means, without openly abandoning his war on capitalism, Joe.

OBAMA:  Correct.  Look, unemployment fell to 8.6%.  Why?  Because employers are buoyed by the fact I’m looking more unelectable every day.  They’re anticipating my defeat and trying to get a leg up on competitors.

DAVID PLOUFFE:  I think I get where you’re going, sir.  We keep doing what we’ve been doing to drive your numbers down further, through the 30s and even into the 20s.  The lower you go, the more hoarded cash gets pumped into the marketplace.  By late summer, the economy’s ignited, leaving the Republican nominee gasping like a landed fish.

OBAMA:  Exactly.  Naturally, my numbers rebound dramatically in the fall, with businesses too committed to expansion to pull back even though I’m surging.  Their tough luck when I win and punish them for trying to profit on the backs of their customers.

JARRETT:  On another front, sir: the Ice Queen has agreed to break ranks with Senate Republicans and sign on to your American Jobs Bill,

OBAMA:  And what did we give up for Senator Snowe’s favors?

PLOUFFE:  She remains a Republican, sir, but she’ll have a vote in Reid’s caucus.

OBAMA:  Not too bad in exchange for. . . .

PLOUFFE:  There’s more, sir: she has first call on the White House movie theater.  And next vacancy, you’re nominating her for the Supreme Court.

OBAMA:  Ouch!  The pain in Maine weighs heav’ly on my brain.  Still, nice having a token Republican on our side.

BIDEN:  Whew!  All this Machiavellian stuff is making my head spin.  And it’s been days since you had a day off, Boss.  Whyncha reach out to Tiger and Michael Jordan.  Check if they’re available to fly to Pebble Beach this weekend.

DALEY:  Snowe’s already reserved Air Force One through Sunday, sir.

OBAMA:  Oh?  Has she moved into the Residence yet?  What more can possibly happen to. . . .

[enter First Lady]

MICHELLE:  Hey, who booked the Blue Room Friday night for “An Old-Fashioned Maine Snowbound Hoedown”?   I need it for my seminar on “Weak Men, and the Strong Women Who Push Them to Greatness.”  Move the Maine shindig to your basketball court.  You hear me, Barack?

White House, Cabinet Room

First meeting of President Obama’s new team

OBAMA: Listen up, people. I got myself across the finish line but couldn’t bring Congress along.  That’s why you’re here.  Except for Defense, you represent the first entirely recessed Cabinet in American history.  Do me proud.  Michelle?

MICHELLE: I’m the new Chief of Staff. You want to see him, you gotta get past me. Waste my time, I’ll cut your budget 10%.

OBAMA: So, let’s hear some fresh ideas.  HHS?

MICHAEL MOORE: Now that the World Court has overturned the Supremes and ruled the PPACA [ObamaCare] constitutional, sir, amend the program to cover all humanity.  Eventually, include lesser beings, as well.  Innumerable uninsured creatures are suffering out there.

OBAMA: Easy, big guy; we’ll do it in stages.  After people, we insure the remaining mammalians; then, things with legs; finally, air breathers.  Treasury?

PAUL KRUGMAN: I’ve run the numbers, sir: Stimulus IV should tip the worldwide economy into depression within a year.

OBAMA: Good.  That gets us closer to the one-world government mankind will demand I lead to left the—I mean, to right the ship.  I’m getting bored with the Presidency, anyway. OMB?

BERNIE MADOFF: [videoconferencing from Butner Federal Correctional Complex] Paul’s overly optimistic about how long before we foment a global crash, Mr. President.  Economies can be annoyingly resilient.  We need a backup plan.

OBAMA: Agreed.  Eric, task DOJ lawyers to discover extra-constitutional justification for footing a European bailout.  We’ll call our proposal the, uh, “Bosom Allies Relief Fund.” BARF will overwhelm their systems with worthless dollars, bollixing up the euro and paralyzing trade.

RAMSEY CLARK: On it, sir, but, um . . . I’m your new AG; Holder’s been in jail since last month, after he was convicted of directing a Gunwalker conspiracy that was adjudged vast and injurious.

OBAMA: Oh, right.  I’d pardon him, or at least pull him out of solitary, except . . . word is he’s writing a book.  Hmmm.  Ramsey, notify Holder’s warden to allow him weekly unsupervised walks in Fort Marcy Park.

KRUGMAN: Sir, Republicans will yell bloody murder when they learn you’ve BARFed.

OBAMA: Too bad.  Alert Senators Snowe and Collins I’ll grant them private audiences if they agree to be bipartisan about my usurpation of Congressional power.  Moving on, CIA, what’s your take on the ruble these days?

MATT DAMON: Fine choice, sir; go for quality, color, and cut. . . .

OBAMA:  Never mind.  How are negotiations going with al-Qaeda?

DAMON: NSA and I are close to a Gentleman’s Agreement with al-Zawaheri, Mr. President.  He’ll give us nonspecific advance notice of an atrocity if we grant him U. S. citizenship and the right to appeal to the SCOTUS any decision to take him out. Proceed?

OBAMA: Yes.  Which reminds me.  Suppose I’m in the middle of a personal-best round and he manages to hit us?  I can’t leave the course just to rally the public with insipid assurances.  NSA?

SEAN PENN: Tape a general statement in the Oval Office to have on hand in case you’re busy, sir.  You know, “Let me be clear; Make no mistake; They’ll be held accountable,” so forth.  We’ll label it “live.”

OBAMA: Sounds good.  By the way, Chico, congratulations on being adopted by Hugo Chavez.  A real honor for a “gringo.”

PENN: Gracias, Excelente.

OBAMA: Now, Matt, I assume the Zawahiri deal wouldn’t preclude apprehending him should the opportunity arise.   If you tried to lure him to Washington to sign off on our arrangement, would he bite?

DAMON: Very likely, sir.  I recommend we equip the arresting Delta Force team with the Ripp® Restraint Protective Mask system guaranteed to frustrate spitters and biters.

OBAMA:  [sigh] Ramsey?

CLARK:  I advise against such a provocative action, sir.  We should open a dialogue with the man.  He attacks us, we talk with him.  He continues to kill Americans, we talk some more.  He dirty bombs New York, say, we threaten to stop talking after another major event.  That’s how to get his attention.

OBAMA:  I’ll consider it.  Transportation?

AL GORE:  We need an alternative to automobiles, Mr. President.  The Constitution says nothing about a “right to drive.”  Phase out private ownership of vehicles by the end of your third term, when traveling by high-speed rail—whether or not it exists—becomes compulsory. We’ll get off foreign oil and save big on infrastructure.

OBAMA:  Tap the Amish for additional public transport ideas.  Let’s see–Defense, how do we go about standing down to demonstrate America’s not a threat to anyone?

ADAM BALDWIN:  I’d sooner arm ourselves to the teeth to make everyone fear us, Mr. President.

OBAMA:  Alec, this doesn’t sound like you.  We can’t . . . wha? Oh Good Lord, I picked the wrong Baldwin!

MICHELLE:  He’s been confirmed, Dumbo.  Too late to do anything now.

OBAMA:  All right.  But I’ve got my eye on you, Jayne.  State?

YOKO ONO:  Divvy up 95% of our nukes to every terrorist country and jihadist group–throw them off balance. When everyone starts from a position of strength, we can talk about our differences openly, without fear.

OBAMA:  Make it so, Sudoko.  After they’ve taken receipt of the nukes, confirm they’re targeting only us, not each other. God knows, we don’t want some third world conflagration breaking out because of a misunderstanding.  Homeland Security?

SHEILA JACKSON LEE:  [interrupting cell phone conversation] What?

OBAMA:  Um, any policy revamps, suggestions?

JACKSON LEE: In fact, yes.  Given the TSA’s current emphasis on body scanning, I’m changing the agency’s name to the T&A Administration.

MICHELLE:  Meeting’s over.  I’m heading over to Whole Foods for some arugula.  You folks better leave now to beat my motorcade, or you won’t get home before dark.

OBAMA:  But honey, we’re not done with. . . .

MICHELLE:  Cosmo’s coming in tomorrow to do a spread on you.  No nudity.  You hear me, Barack?

HILLARY:  I announce next week. What’s my rationale for opposing Obama while hedging my bets and remaining Secretary of Stasis?

HOWARD WOLFSON:  No rationale is necessary, Excellency. This is about a woman’s right to choose.

HILLARY:  Correct. The decision to contend is between me and my spin doctor.

PAUL BEGALA:  You’ll alienate the black vote if you attack Obama, Mistress.

HILLARY:  How do I campaign without criticizing him?

ANN LEWIS:  Go positive, your Majesty. Commend his Muslim roots, his readiness to nuke Pakistan if he’s disrespected, his “Buy American” initiative encouraging drug cartels to shop here for their arms needs.  You’ll appear generous while planting doubts.

HILLARY:  Wonderful!  He rejects my “compliments,” he looks petty. Serpenthead?

JAMES CARVILLE:  Exalted One, reach out to our loyal media familiars to push this meme — under Obama, the poor may be obese and own iPads and SUVs, but their children are still going to bed hungry.

HILLARY: Works for me. Debbie?

WASSERMAN SCHULTZ:  Announce that on Day One of your administration, you’ll pardon Obama for any malfeasance he committed as President, Highness.  Waive the standard contribution to your library.

HILLARY:  How magnanimous of me! Oh, everyone, Reverend Al has had enough of The One and is joining our team.

SHARPTON:  As the inimical Popeye might say, resist we musk, or the foul ordure of the Obama regime will Kaiser Permeate the very fabric of our national travesty the Geek Fakes are weaving as we speak.

[stunned silence]

HILLARY:  Jesse Jackson couldn’t have expressed the thought any more plainly, Al. For the time being, you can help us most by remaining publicly committed to the President’s reelection. Uh, Ann?

LEWIS:  Invite Reverend Wright to offer the benediction at your fundraiser in Scranton next month, M’Lady. Then blast him and his venomous anti-Americanism. Show voters that Obama may be unwilling to stand up to Wright, but you’re not.

HILLARY:  Hijacking his Sister Souljah moment. I like it! Now, everyone, as you know, George has switched sides, and I’m sure you’re wondering why.  I’ll let him tell you.

SOROS:  Obama iss veak horse, Eminence. You, you are strong horse, haf big haunches, hams like–

HILLARY:  We get it, George. You have suggestions?

SOROS:  For Pennsylvahnee primary, I fund new pro-Obama 527–“Citizens for Confiscation uff Guns.”

HILLARY:  Perfect! Here’s the group’s tag line:  ”Obama.  Our only hope to repeal the Second Amendment.”

SOROS:  Und I offer gas coupons to Democrats in primary states you vin. Ve make billion bumper stickers: “Hillary rule, free tank of fuel.”

HILLARY:  Marvelous! Axelrod will scream bloody murder, but as Putin said when the Ukraine complained about Russian intimidation, “Crimea River.” Moving on, how do we neutralize Oprah? Mr. Clean?

CARVILLE:  My grandma would cut off the ends, sprinkle salt over the slices, put ‘em in a pan with possum innards, then–

HILLARY:  Oprah, not okra. Debbie?

WASSERMAN SCHULTZ:  Ask Research and Destruction to supply the Enquirer with Photoshopped  images of Perry and Oprah hunting together at his Texas camp.

HILLARY:  Good idea. But forget the Enquirer; they have standards. The Washington Post will run them without asking questions.

ANN LEWIS:  Exalted One, you must propose something substantive about what you’ll actually do as President.

HILLARY:  Hmm. I’ll promise to rid the planet of war, disease, and famine, but I won’t tell how. . . until I’m elected.  Advise the media I want a 30 second spot depicting a Road Warrior world if I lose.

BILL CLINTON:  Honey, we got to make you look like ordinary people, not some ice queen who–

HILLARY:  Shaddup, Bill.

BILL CLINTON:  Yes’m.

HILLARY:  He’s right, though.  What can I do to seem like… like one of them?

WASSERMAN SCHULTZ:  Appear on a trash TV talk show, Sensei. Discuss your marriage frankly, and disclose affairs with unnamed males in your Secret Service detail. The Agency can’t comment. In one stroke you’ll squash some ugly rumors and thrill millions of women who’ve waited for tit for tat since Monica.

HILLARY: Inspired! Wolfson, book me, Bill, Lewinsky, and Paula Jones on Springer for a throwdown. Make sure the set has plenty of lamps near at hand for hurling. Now, how about exhibiting my soft side?

ANN LEWIS:  Pledge to adopt infants representing every ethnic and racial group in the world, your Grace.

HILLARY: Oh, the humanity!  We’ll house them in the renamed ”Eisenhower Executive Orphanage Building.” I’ll be the model for working mothers everywhere who want it all.

BEGALA:  Out of the box, you’ll need some encouraging poll numbers, my Queen. I’ll task Gallup to run one with this question: “Given President Obama’s incompetence, narcissism, and arrogance, will you be more likely or less likely to vote for him?”

HILLARY:  Good. Any other ideas??

SANDY BERGER:  I’ll sneak into Obama reelection headquarters and stuff a copy of his campaign plan down my jockeys, your Magnitude. If his people catch me and ask what’s in my pants, I’ll just say I’m glad to see them.

BILL: Good ‘un, San—

HILLARY: Shaddup, Bill.  Who let Berger in here?

I’m here to introduce someone special, a person who can calm the raging Maxine Waters with a look, sell solar panels below cost and still make a profit, and cause the stock market to plummet with a single word.

C’mon, kids, give it up for the President of the United States, Baraaccck Obama!

FADE TO:

A Command and Control bunker deep beneath the White House.  Wearing a headset, the President is sitting at a console facing three large-screen HD monitors showing complementary views of a tactical assault in progress.   He is issuing orders.

At a break in the action, the CIC swivels to face the camera, covers his mike, and whispers:

Hey kids.  Good to see you again.   Hold on a sec; I’m just finishing up a mission here.

He turns back to direct the closing moments of the operation:

Zulu 1: secure perimeter.  Henderson: white SUV fleeing site.  Task Predator to take it out.  Bravo 1: Standoff See-Through Infrared shows targets at top of stairwell. Body signatures confirmed.  Authorization granted. [pause] Roger that.  Well done.  Bring me back some ears.

The President removes his headset, turns to the camera, smiles, and speaks:

PRESIDENT OBAMA:

You’re probably wondering about what you just heard.  Unfortunately, your President has sworn enemies who are always probing for ways to attack him and, by extension, you.

Under my direction, crack units of our National Civilian Security Force have raided RNC headquarters here in Washington looking for some very bad people.  They found them.  I assure you, I will not rest until all those who threaten the way of life I’m imposing on America are brought to justice.

Before I say more, please stand, place your right hand over your heart, and recite along with me:

I pledge allegiance to the President of the United States of America, and to its decline, for which he’s planned, one nation, under him highly risible, with penury and animus for all.

Last year I spoke to you about the importance of education. This year I’ll explain how you can help me win a second term that will finally allow me to abandon the pose of uniter and become the Divider-in-Chief.

There are those who say I don’t like being criticized.  That’s simply not true.  I don’t mind criticism, as long as it’s unspoken.  Make no mistake, the First Amendment to the Constitution doesn’t allow people to get on my case.  The United States Supreme Court ruled you may not yell “fire” in a crowded theater or shout “You lie!” during a presidential address to a joint session of Congress.

Thanks to a friend named Mr. Holder, who’s been monitoring Americans since I became President, I have a list of the grown-ups who are publicly and privately abusing their free speech rights to pile on me; what I don’t know is, which kids hear bad things about me at the dinner table and repeat them at school.

So, I’ll ask a favor.  In lunchrooms and bathrooms, during gym class and math class, if you witness a classmate dissing me, report it.  Same advice I gave a year ago regarding parental presidential hate speech: tell a counselor, tell a principal, tell a prompter.  And if you’re too shy to speak up, e-mail the information to me at http://www.AttackWatchJr.com.

I’ll bet you feel sometimes you have no say in what goes at home.  Maybe TV time is limited, or you aren’t permitted a computer in your bedroom.

Well, I believe in empowering young people.  At my request, satellite and cable companies now include a children’s blocking option on their menus.  Teachers will pass out codes for providers where you live.  This means, when your folks tune in to Fox News, say, or a rerun of Supernanny, they’ll be redirected to MSNBC.

Boys and girls, everything I’ve done to America to make poorer countries less envious of us will be undone if I’m not reelected next November.  No, you can’t vote—yet; but you can use your imagination to support me in other ways.

I’m thinking about Mishaha Glynn, a fourth grader from East Abunni, Utah, who’s petitioning Family Court to force her parents to tithe half her weekly allowance to my campaign.

And another youngster, Ritva Allembe, a sixth grader from Cheeseburg, Wisconsin, who’s been stealing her classmates’ bag lunches and delivering them to a homeless shelter after school. Why?  More hungry kids, more federal aid, and more people voting for me to keep the aid coming.  Ritva calls her initiative, “LunchWalker.”

Well, time to leave.  I still have trillions of dollars to squander in a futile attempt to fix the economy I’ve broken, and there aren’t enough hours in the day.

Now, please watch this taped message from two friends, Mr. Hoffa and Mr. Trumka, who will explain how you kids can organize into, uh, dues-paying clubs to give you a say in running your school and help finance my reelection campaign to boot.

Thank you, and may God forgive me.  [to someone off camera] What?  Oh.  I mean, may God bless America.

I’ve been lucky to be part of an upcoming comedy site run by young conservatives called Misfit Politics. No, our site’s not live yet, but the schadenfreude of last night’s #AttackWatch jokes proved too big a temptation to sit on our hands and wait to make the video you’re about to see. I present to you the very first (fake) commercial for AttackWatch.com:

This is but a taste of the silliness we have in store for you, the conservative who’s longed for irreverent comedy coming from your own perspective. For updates on the upcoming site, follow @MisfitPolitics on Twitter. We promise we’ll have more good stuff for you soon.