I know what you’re thinkin: How did a numb nuts like me, who was livin’ in a Super Bugger with his exotic Thai buddy Chowsers and bummin’ dimes playin’ bass in parkin’ garages, evolve into the Adonis you revere today? Ain’t no secret. All I’ve accomplished and become is because of the book Seize Freedom! by Congressbum Thaddeus McCotter.

It’s my manifesto and muse – a true celebration of unashamed sovereign self-fulfillment. As you bear witness to my transfiguration, fear not! There’s room for two on my cloud. Seize Freedom! is so eloquent and emotive, it made me into me; and it can change you into me.

Look it: One day in a fit of lonely desperation after a particularly gruelin’ tickle fight at the pettin’ zoo, the old me found Seize Freedom! in my man Chowsers’ sock draw. Bein’ curious by nature, I took a teensy peek. By the time Chowers burst into the room and bit my ankle, I was two chapters into it and realized this was not what I expected. I quickly dislodged Chowsers with a rolled up Lane Bryant catalogue from the nightstand, and caught a glimpse of myself in the little fella’s vanity mirror, which hangs a foot and a half lower than usual. Sure, I kinda let myself go a bit over the years, but I was startled by my reflection’s new air of dignity and self-respect. I was puzzled by these new sensations. Where did they come from? I reverently hung my head and, by chance, locked eyes with Chowsers, who’s jowls were about to sever my Achilles tendon.

It was then, like a heavy metal power chord across my cranium, from Chowsers’ frothing mouth uttered three words… “It’s the book, you dumbass.” At that sublime moment, a bottle of body paint fell from the top of the armoire where I’d hidden it from Chowsers, and it gently spilled its edible contents over my pate and face in a baptism of cleansing viscosity. I’m no crack pot cult member, but I gotta tell ya, I was changed. My burning eyes wept as Chowsers teeth tore at my calf. Looking down while I kicked him off, from the depths of my rebooted being I uttered, “Yes, Chowsers. It’s the book!”

Seize Freedom! is a book about America – land that I love! – and the four big ass problems confronting us: the economy, terrorism, Chi-coms, and cultural decay. Talk about a four bagger of bummers.

But the Congressbum who wrote the book, Thaddeus McCotter, isn’t a total stiff. Sure, he plays guitar like he’s wearing boxing gloves and hangs out with known metrosexuals like Greg Gutfeld and the House GOP leadership. Still, McCotter’s got brain one enough to look into these four big ass problems and root out a solution! He’s convinced me America will stay atop the world stage struttin’ more erect than ever.

A passage I had tattooed (with a bald eagle) on the small of my back sums it up:

“Champions of freedom, we will ensure America remains our blessed land of liberty, inspired and guided by the virtuous genius of her free people; and eternally blessed by the unfathomable grace of God.”

Damn straight!

And that’s why Seize Freedom! changed my life – ’cuz it gave me the guts to do it. It’s why Congressbum McCotter is my personal Seizer of Freedom guru; and it’s why I’m runnin’ for Michigan State Senate in 2011.

What about you, numby? Are you itchin’ to gird your loins for Old Glory? Are you ready to “Think Dink!” and Seize Freedom!

Why not!

This week, I’m happy to update this story with a positive development — Representative Thaddeus McCotter (R-MI) introduced House Resolution 1371, “Condemning the selection of the Government of Iran to serve on the United Nations Commission on the Status of Women.”  The original Cosponsors of this measure represent a diverse, bipartisan group including Rep. Ros-Lehtinen (R-FL), Rep. Burton (R-IN), Rep. Campbell (R-CA), Rep. McCaul (R-TX), Rep. Inglis (R-SC), and Rep. Polis (D-CO).

On April 28, Iran was handed a seat on the UN Commission on the Status of Women despite efforts by Iranian “gender-equality activists” and supporters to block this appointment.  The US Ambassador to the UN, Susan Rice, made no attempts to thwart Iran’s bid for a seat on this committee and on the day of the election, she did not even bother to show up for the meeting.  Despite public outcry, the Obama Administration still fails to publicly condemn the appointment of Iran to the UN Commission on the Status of Women.

Several members of Congress, however, have taken the lead in voicing the concerns of the American people.

House Resolution 1371 points out that “Iran’s Islamic civil and penal codes discriminate against women” and notes that “according to the Department of State’s 2009 Country Reports on Human Rights Practices, Iranian women are only ‘nominally’ granted ‘equal protection under the law… in conformity with Islam.’”  The resolution also highlights some of the human rights violations against women including:

• “under Iranian law, spousal rape is legal”
• “Iranian penal code dictates a punishment of lashings or a fine if a woman appears in public without an appropriate hijab”
• “Iranian law permits men to have as many as four wives”
• “adultery is punishable by death by stoning, and a man who kills his wife…may easily escape punishment,”

The proposed resolution not only “condemns” this UN appointment, but also “calls on the Administration to denounce the selection of the Government of Iran to serve on the Commission” and “urges the President to direct the United States Permanent Representative to the United Nations to use the voice, vote, and influence of the United States at the United Nations to advocate for the removal of the Government of Iran from the Commission.”

The Representatives who cosponsored Resolution 1371 have taken leadership in Congress by standing in opposition to Iran serving on the UN’s “global policy-making body” for women’s rights. Although the Obama Administration currently still refuses to condemn the appointment of Iran to the UN women’s rights commission, Congress members are taking initiative and expressing the concerns of the American people.  Voters who are interested in seeing this resolution passed should contact Congress and voice their support for House Resolution 1371.

ABC News:

“What a pro-active way to be able to help the economy and change the culture in this country around animals,” Robert Davi, a veteran actor (”The Goonies,” “Die Hard,” “License to Kill”) who was a main force behind the bill’s introduction, told ABCNews.com in a telephone interview.

“This money goes back into the economy, and it encourages people to understand the social responsibilities we have toward animals,” Davi said. …

***

A bill making the rounds on Capitol Hill marries two feel-good propositions — tax cuts and pet ownership — to generate a novel idea: A tax break of up to $3,500 per person for pet care expenses. (more…)