This week, Hynes announced that “no criminality has been found” after his investigation of the videotapes made by investigative journalists James O’Keefe and Hannah Giles, which show ACORN employees counseling the pair on getting a mortgage for a house of prostitution.

(They got a choice of government loans: Phat Fannie Mae, Prince Freddie Mac or Barney Fresh Daddy Frank … aka “Sir Fix-A-Lot.”)

I’m just glad to know that Hynes conducted a thorough “investigation” first. Who did he have screen the videotapes, Gov. Paterson?

If his investigators had actually watched the videotapes, they would have found ACORN employees apparently advising a pimp and prostitute on how to defraud mortgage lenders, deposit prostitution money in a bank, hide money from the government and avoid detection while running a whorehouse with teenage girls from El Salvador.

I’m not a lawyer — oh, wait, yes, I am — but I count approximately a half-dozen state law crimes being discussed on those tapes, from money laundering to advancing prostitution.

In a “Eureka” moment, ACORN Employee-of-the-Month Volda Albert identifies for O’Keefe and Giles the problem they had been having getting a mortgage:

Albert: Um, is it legalized? Is prostitution legalized in New York state?

O’Keefe: It’s not. It’s not, unfortunately.

Albert: Well see, that’s your problem.

As ACORN employee Milagros Rivera said, “You can’t say what you do for a living because of the law.” But displaying ACORN’s can-do attitude, she explained: “Honest is not going to get you a house.”

ACORN employees helped concoct a scheme to hide from the lender the source of O’Keefe and Giles’ down payment money. Albert suggested that O’Keefe “pay a down payment — or (Giles) can transfer to somebody else, who is not in that business … a close friend, then (Giles) can transfer that, and then he can give you, like, a gift to purchase.”

Under New York law, hiding the true source of down payment money from a lender constitutes mortgage fraud. Also, using the proceeds of criminal conduct in any banking transaction is money laundering.

Does anybody need a flow chart at this point, or should I continue?

To help Giles hide her income from turning tricks, ACORN employee Albert advised Giles to open two banking accounts, depositing no more than $500 per week in each one. (This would not only enable her to conceal her illegal earnings, it would also qualify her for free checking.)

But Albert’s most inspired idea was that Giles get a “house with a backyard. You get a tin can … and bury (your money) down in there, and you put the money right in, and you put grass over it, and you don’t tell a single soul but yourself where it is.”

Back when I was in Louisiana, we advised people to put their illegal money in the freezer, but that didn’t work out so well. And I guess putting your money in a mattress isn’t advisable if you live in a whorehouse.

Anyway, Albert was particularly detailed on the tin-can-in-the-backyard investment plan: “Keep thinking: ‘I have a yard. I have a house.’ You gotta start coming out with, like, plants and you start doing — so it won’t be suspicious. You start buying plants for the backyard in pots and what have you, and you mark a spot.”

She later told Giles: “You are not paying Social Security, so you’ll have society, all right? You are not getting a pension, so you need to save that money for in later years.” ACORN: Helping Plan Your Financial Future.

If only shady lawyers advised clients to bury money in cans in their backyards, instead of putting it in tax shelters, we wouldn’t have all those attorneys clogging up prison cells!

The ACORN employees also stressed that Giles should do nothing to attract attention to her prostitution money. Albert said: “You can buy a decent car for yourself, no big fancy thing to attract people, all right?”

In Albert’s defense, this could have been common etiquette advice. No one likes a showy hooker.

Even after Giles explained her plan to house a “slew” of 13-, 14- and 15-year-old girls from El Salvador for her prostitution business, Rivera simply responded: “So you guys ready to schedule that (mortgage application) for the summer?”

Rivera clearly missed her calling — she should be pushing vacation time shares in Boca Raton beach condos.

Under New York law, a person is guilty of advancing prostitution if he: “knowingly … aids a person to commit or engage in prostitution (or) … engages in any other conduct designed to institute, aid or facilitate an act or enterprise of prostitution.”

It is a class D felony (up to seven years in prison) if the prostitute is under 19 years old — as the ACORN employees knew Giles was — and a class C felony (up to 15 years in prison) if the prostitute is under 16 years old — as Giles stated the El Salvadoran girls were. (And if she’s under 15 years old, Eliot Spitzer may be involved.)

If none of the advice given by ACORN on those videotapes constitutes conspiracy or aiding or abetting a crime, see this column next week for my opus: “10 Detailed Plans to Kill George Soros and Why This Might Be Right for You.”

As I noted yesterday, thin-skinned Jamison Foser of Media Matters wrote Oct. 16  that “some conservative activists induced a statistically insignificant number of the organization’s low-level employees to behave badly.” [emphasis added]

Setting aside the question of whether the ACORN employees were “induced” by activists James O’Keefe and Hannah Giles to do things they wouldn’t have already been willing to do, was the number of ACORN personnel behaving badly statistically insignificant? Let’s take a look at that claim.

In statistics, a result is considered statistically significant if it is unlikely to have occurred by chance.

So far ACORN employees in Baltimore, Washington, D.C., New York City, San Bernardino, San Diego, and Philadelphia have been shown on video behaving badly. On all the videos, ACORN personnel have been cooperative and helpful to the make-believe pimp and prostitute.

So far ACORN personnel in six offices have acted badly. That’s six out of six, or 100%.

What are the chances of that happening?

This is –obviously– not statistically insignificant.

Actually, in statistics when a phenomenon keeps repeating itself over and over again and you’re batting 1000, it’s called a “trend.”

With the release of the Philadelphia video Wednesday, let’s add up the total number of ACORN employees behaving badly.

Unless I’m leaving somebody out:

Baltimore (2): Shera Williams and Tonja Thompson

Washington, D.C. (3): Sherona Boone, Lavernia Boone, unidentified woman

New York City (2): Volda Albert and Milagros Rivera

San Bernardino (1): Tresa Kaelke

San Diego (1): Juan Carlos Vera

Philadelphia (1): Katherine Conway Russell

That’s a total of 10 ACORN employees. Of the 10 ACORN employees videotaped, all 10 have acted badly. That’s 100% too.

What are the chances of that happening?

According to ACORN’s website, ACORN has 71 offices. I believe the total number is actually lower because several of the offices listed do not appear to be open for business.

But for sake of argument, let’s say it’s 71 offices. Expressed as a percentage, six out of 71 is 8.4%. That means that 8.4% of ACORN offices contain badly behaving employees. That’s a very good-sized statistical sample.

ACORN chief organizer Bertha Lewis told “Democracy Now!” Sept. 17 that ACORN has 700 employees.

Assuming Lewis is telling the truth (which is a very risky assumption to make given her proven mendacity) then 1.4% of ACORN’s workforce has been shown on video behaving badly.

Of course 1.4% is not as impressive a sample as 8.4% but it is certainly not small.

Desperate to defend his allies in ACORN, Foser of Media Matters can’t even think straight.

He’s asking people to believe that the 100% of the 10 ACORN employees (representing 1.4% of ACORN’s total workforce) shown in videos behaving badly is a statistically insignificant fluke.

Bear in mind if more videos are released showing ACORN employees behaving badly, the percentages are only going to grow.

Foser’s asking Americans to believe that the bad behavior of a statistically significant percentage of ACORN’s employees documented on video is purely coincidental. In other words, he’s arguing O’Keefe and Giles just happened to stumble upon the few rotten apples working at ACORN.

What are the chances of that happening?

Foser’s “rotten apples” spin happens to be the same lie that ACORN has been telling for years.

Is that a coincidence too, Media Matters?