The Fourth of July weekend is a time when we Americans expect our 1400 newspapers to take a reprieve from their endless ridicules and criticisms to dutifully celebrate all that is good in our nation. We look forward those beautiful front page pictures and stories about patriotic parades down Main Street and glorious fireworks displays. We appreciates the Op Ed letters that express heart-felt thankfulness for the sacrifice of our troops serving in harm’s way; uplifting stories of the values that unite us as a beacon for freedom, and tales of rugged individualism that define our spirit. But there will always be one tabloid that will stand alone in failing to appreciate the true meaning of Fourth of July; the New York Times.

When the Times refers to itself as: “All the News That’s Fit to Print”; the paper expects all the unwashed proletariat must show subdued homage to the superior intellect. For this July Fourth weekend, they have achieved a new pinnacle of negativism and defeat. In contrast to joyous patriotic faire; the Times offers a despondent middle-aged woman bowing to a symbolically torn American flag forlornly fluttering in the total desolation of tornado-ravaged Joplin, Missouri.

Having established a morose mood; the Times stifles our spirit with Front Page headlines; American Folly”, “Declaration of Endurance, and “Fears of Declining”. Having sufficiently documented America as a despairing empire; Times Op Eds indict our moral decay with: “The Moral Logic of Survivor Guilt”, “It Gets Even Worse”, and “Corporate Cash Con”.

“The Moral Logic of Survivor Guilt” introduces us to the “absurdity” of U.S. military veterans who often suffer pangs of “survivor guilt” for leaving their combat units when they return home from war. The writer analyzes “just how irrational those feelings are” with the help of 19th Century philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche; who is most famous for his belief in existential nihilism that confirms life is without objective meaning, purpose, or intrinsic value; consequently God is Dead. Nietzsche describes such military self-doubt as due to a “bad conscience” for what “I ought not to have done.” Having thoroughly defamed our military; the Times offers no fair and balanced opposing writer to extol the virtues of our sons and daughters who risk the ultimate sacrifice to answer to the high moral callings of honor, duty, and valor.

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From the Associated Press:

Ronald Reagan was hailed as “a great American hero” Monday as his admirers unveiled a 10-foot-tall (3-meter-tall) statue of the former U.S. president near the American embassy in London.

Condoleezza Rice, national security adviser and secretary of state in President George W. Bush’s administration, joined British Foreign Secretary William Hague at the morning ceremony in Grosvenor Square.

“Statues bring us to face to face with our heroes long after they are gone,” Hague said “Ronald Reagan is without question a great American hero; one of America’s finest sons, and a giant of 20th-century history. You may be sure that the people of London will take this statue to their hearts.”

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A recent paper, published by Harvard’s Kennedy School of Government, claims that “exposure to Fourth of July at an early age” makes young people more likely to later vote Republican.

So before venturing out to the local Independence Day parade today, you may want to consider how your kids will cope with “exposure” to this nasty contagion.

If you’re in a red state, you should be extra wary, for as the co-authors assert (without any evidence backing their claim), “Fourth of July celebrations in Republican dominated counties may thus be more politically biased events that socialize children into Republicans.”

Turn around the minivan, and put away the hot dogs—the Independence Day parade might be “politically biased”!

If you do go, you should know that your kid will end up like Dick Cheney. Fireworks can have that effect. Don’t worry, however: Harvard’s here to help.

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