The President’s ‘Tiger’ Moment: Obama Apologizes For His Indiscretions

by John K. Herr

Good evening, and thank you for joining me.  Many of you in this room are my friends.  Some of you are members of “Organizing For America,” formerly called “Obama For America,” and before that “Operation PUSH.”

tiger-woods-barack-obama

Many of you know me.  You have cheered for me.  I miss those days.  I just want to say to each of you, simply and directly, that I am deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior.

I was unfaithful.  I consorted with Republicans.  I engaged in bipartisanship.  What I did is not acceptable, and I am the only person to blame.

As you know, I am trying to get a health care reform bill through Congress.  In so doing, I made a reach-around across the aisle.  I avoided talk of a single-payer system.  I watered down and then removed the public option.  I took out the death panels, benefits to undocumented immigrants, and federal funding for abortion that our critics so callously and falsely observed were in the bill.

I know I have bitterly disappointed all of you.  I have made you question who I am and how I could have done the things I did.  I am embarrassed that I have put you in this position.

To everyone involved in the White House, my staff, cronies, minions, toadies, lackeys, lickspittles, parasites, finaglers, blackmailers, and, most importantly, the young people, I want you to know that I’m sorry.

To my outside allies, the netroots, Daily Kos, MoveOn.org, myDD, firedoglake, trousersnakeswamp, and the Soros Alliance for Liberalism And Democracy — shout-out to my SALAD tossers! — your support means more than ever.

I know people want to find out how I could be so selfish and so foolish. People want to know how I could have done these things to my wife Michelle, who had just become proud of this country.

I knew my actions were wrong, but I convinced myself that the normal rules didn’t apply.  I ran straight through the boundaries that a liberal president should live by.  I felt that I had worked hard for several months of my entire life and deserved to enjoy all the temptations that the Beltway could provide, including the forbidden fruit of David Gergen’s love.  I felt I was entitled.  I was not.

First, let me address one issue.  Some people have speculated that Susan Collins somehow hurt or attacked me.  It angers me that people would fabricate a story like that.  Yes, we had lunch several times.  Once, Susan became angry with me when I made her pick up the check because I mistakenly thought she was nodding her head.  And yes, we engaged in a threesome with Olympia Snowe at a public golf course.  I shot an 87.  That is no excuse for rumor-mongering.

Still, I have much to atone for.  I stopped living by the core values that were inculcated in me at a young age by the public schools of Jakarta.  It was there that I was taught such Christian beliefs as love thy neighbor, do unto others, and there is no God but God.

Those values led me to consider the opinions and beliefs of my Republican friends.  This was wrong.  As a liberal president with large congressional majorities, I should not have given in to the temptations of bipartisanship.  I am deeply ashamed that our health care bill was so badly compromised it attracted one Republican vote.  Some Vietnamese dude.  Let me be clear, I shall never cave in again.

It’s hard to admit that I need help, but I do.  For 30 days since the election of Scott Brown, I have been receiving inpatient therapy from Barney Frank, Barbara Lee, and Bernie Sanders.  I also built a house for homeless AIDS patients.  It has been rewarding and enlightening work.  But I know I have a long way to go.

As we move forward on legislation that shares our progressive values, such as closing Guantanamo Bay and eliminating the scourge of carbon dioxide from this Earth, I will adhere to the one clear path, the path of partisanship.  You have opened my eyes.  I will no longer engage in backdoor shenanigans.  I will not bend over for Ben Nelson.

I once heard, and I believe it’s true, that it’s not what you achieve in life that matters.  For that reason, I have tried to achieve as little as possible.  Instead, it’s what you overcome that’s important.

Together, we shall overcome the false prophets who say this is one America, red, white, and blue.  It is blue, period.  And as long as I’m in the White House, the blues will continue.  Thank you.


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Posted Feb 28th 2010 at 3:15 pm in Obama, Political Humor, Politics | 105 Comments