Washington (AP) Following is an edited transcript of Secretary of State Designate Joe Biden’s hearing today before the Senate Foreign Relations Committee.

Moved by President Obama’s pleadings, Biden and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton resigned their posts last week in order to switch positions and become America’s first Cabinet-level tag team.

On Monday, Clinton won Congressional approval to be the nation’s Number Two, adding a hefty bottom to the Democrats’ 2012 Presidential undercard.

CHAIRMAN JOHN KERRY:  Good morning, everyone.  The Committee is delighted to welcome former Vice President Biden, or, as he was referred to by White House pollsters, “Dead-Weight Joe.”

Once confirmed, he will oversee the steaming pile of dung that’s been our foreign policy under the capable Mrs. Clinton.  I assure you, Joe Biden can manage the load.

We all know America is a nation in decline, a nation hurtling toward the depths.  With his misplaced sense of humor, endearing ineptitude, and characteristic superciliousness, Joe is well-equipped to lead us into irrelevance.

Before we begin the questioning, I would like to offer a few thoughts about. . . .

. . . . defeating the worldwide scourge of male pattern baldness, preventing the unnecessary loss of trillions of innocent follicles. . . .

. . . . extraditing Dick Cheney to the Hague to account for his. . . .

. . . . returning Texas and California to Mexico, from whom we unjustly. . . .

. . . . calming Americans’ unreasoning dread of a Global Caliphate . . .

. . . . encouraging India to vaporize Pakistan, ushering in an era of peace in that troubled. . . .

Now, to save time, we’ll dispense with a self-serving statement from the Ranking Member and my esteemed colleague, Senator Lugar, and go right to questioning.  Suit you, Mr. Vice President?

(more…)

Democratic National Committee

Minutes

December 24, 2011

OFFICERS PRESENT

Debbie Wasserman Schultz, National Chairleader

Mike Honda, Vice Chair, UAW Liaison

Donna Brazile, Vice Chair, Hemispheric-Americans Voting Rights Coordinator

Linda Chavez-Thompson, No Relation to Cesar or Fred

OTHERS

Akio Toyoda, President, Toyota Motor Company

James Clyburn, Emissary, Congressional Black Caucus

Diane Sawyer, Network Lackey

Arthur “Pinch” Sulzberger, Print Shill, New York Times

Eric Holder, Attorney General for Minority Rights

Dennis Kucinich, Director, Munchkins United for America PAC

Betty Friedan (1921-2006), Founder, League of Dead Women Voters
(Whoopi Goldberg, Channeler))

PROCEEDINGS

Ms. Wasserman Schultz called the meeting to order at 10:14 a.m. after police were called to settle a dispute between Mr. Honda and Mr. Toyoda.

On secure video uplink, President Obama spoke briefly from the Kauai Lagoons Golf Club putting green.  He warned of the hard road ahead.

AG Holder arrived at 10:23, claiming he never received a memo about the session.

OLD BUSINESS

1.  Ms. Wasserman Schultz announced that Planned Parenthood had submitted the winning design for the new Democratic National Committee logo.

(more…)

JOE BIDEN:  [handing President phone]  Axelrod calling from Chicago, Boss.  He sounds pissed.

OBAMA:  Hey Axe!  Whassup?

No, I don’t know who leaked our decision to abandon blue collar whites.  Soon’s we find the S.O.B., we’ll dress him up like a banker and drop him into the middle of an OWS protest.

You’re kidding.  We gotta reverse course because word got out?

Okay, I understand: you want me and Joe to be regular people for a while.  Suggestions?

Avoid Camp David.  Fine.  Too rustic for my taste, anyway.  Anything else?

Wait until after the election to eminent domain Lafayette Square and build a White House pitch and putt complex?  No problem.  That it?

What?!  Aw, c’mon, man!  You can’t be serious.  That would demean the office of the Presidency.

All right, all right, I’ll do it.  Yeah, we’ll brainstorm more ideas, too.  Okay, later. [hangs up]

BIDEN:  Chief?

OBAMA:  First thing tomorrow, Joe, you and I begin hanging new drapery in the East Room.

JAY CARNEY:  I’ll alert the networks to have camera crews in place by 10:00 a.m., sir.

BILL DALEY:  Your 9:00 o’clock tee time with Tiger at Congressional, Mr. President?  I’ll call him and canc. …

OBAMA:  Ixnay!  SNL’s Fred Armisen owes me big for resuscitating his career.  Request his presence here at dawn in work clothes and cap.   Jay, don’t give the signal to start taping until Fred and Joe are atop their ladders.  No close ups.

(more…)

OBAMA:  It’s finally happened.  O’Reilly’s obtained copies of my college records and interviewed an old weed buddy.  The wingnuts will have an orgasm when they learn I took a course at Occidental called “Bongs Through the Ages.”

JAY CARNEY:  The Factor’s devoting a whole show to the revelations next week, sir.  Word is, he’ll read excerpts from your Harvard Law senior thesis, “Tart Reform: a New Paradigm for the Oldest Profession.”

OBAMA: Good lord!  I’ll be ridiculed for something I didn’t even write.  How do we stop this?

DAVID PLOUFFE:  Posing as a fired MSNBC whistleblower, I’ll e-mail O’Reilly and set up a meet in Fort Marcy Park tonight, sir.  You call in a favor from the Teamsters.  Tomorrow morning, joggers’ll find old “Fair and Balanced” clutching a note expressing remorse for forging documents meant to discredit you.

OBAMA:  Um, maybe something less extreme.  Leon?

PANETTA:  Our Black Projects team developed a marble-sized nuke that’ll fry transmissions in a localized area, sir.  I can task a Predator to deliver it over Fox Headquarters as O’Reilly goes on.

OBAMA:  Set it up.  But we need a cover story.  Janet, order the National Weather Service to warn of severe thunderstorms in the vicinity just before detonation.

(more…)

BILL DALEY: You shouldn’t have used the phrase “leading from behind” last spring when you spoke off the record about Libya, Mr. Vice-President.

BIDEN:  Well, I didn’t, Billy boy.  I said Hillary was leading with her behind.  Or maybe I said the whole NATO operation was like the blind leading the blind.  I don’t remember.  But the guy misquoted me.

OBAMA:  No lasting harm.  Research and Destroy knocked that off the front pages fast with the Cain revelations.

DAVID PLOUFFE:  Oh, Mr. President, the Smithsonian taxidermist just delivered Gaddafi’s head.

OBAMA:  Okay.  Tell Housekeeping to mount it above the mantel in the Residence, next to bin Laden’s.  And remind them to leave room for Baby Assad and Boehner.

VALERIE JARRETT:  Sir, the Libya bump is fading since Fox reported diehard Islamists have seized control of the country and Gaddafi’s massive stock of surface-to-air missiles.

BIDEN:  Damn Ailes, trying to make people think we shoulda known that could happen. (more…)

January 23, 2013

White House, Cabinet Room

First meeting of President Obama’s new team

OBAMA: Listen up, people. I got myself across the finish line but couldn’t bring Congress along.  That’s why you’re here.  Except for Defense, you represent the first entirely recessed Cabinet in American history.  Do me proud.  Michelle?

MICHELLE: I’m the new Chief of Staff. You want to see him, you gotta get past me. Waste my time, I’ll cut your budget 10%.

OBAMA: So, let’s hear some fresh ideas.  HHS?

MICHAEL MOORE: Now that the World Court has overturned the Supremes and ruled the PPACA [ObamaCare] constitutional, sir, amend the program to cover all humanity.  Eventually, include lesser beings, as well.  Innumerable uninsured creatures are suffering out there.

OBAMA: Easy, big guy; we’ll do it in stages.  After people, we insure the remaining mammalians; then, things with legs; finally, air breathers.  Treasury?

PAUL KRUGMAN: I’ve run the numbers, sir: Stimulus IV should tip the worldwide economy into depression within a year.

OBAMA: Good.  That gets us closer to the one-world government mankind will demand I lead to left the—I mean, to right the ship.  I’m getting bored with the Presidency, anyway. OMB? (more…)

The following is a transcript of audio recorded in the secret underground lair of Sec. of State Hillary Clinton. Due to the seditious nature of the conversation between Ms. Clinton and several top Democratic strategists, many Bothans died to give us this information.

HILLARY:  I announce next week. What’s my rationale for opposing Obama while hedging my bets and remaining Secretary of Stasis?

HOWARD WOLFSON:  No rationale is necessary, Excellency. This is about a woman’s right to choose.

HILLARY:  Correct. The decision to contend is between me and my spin doctor.

PAUL BEGALA:  You’ll alienate the black vote if you attack Obama, Mistress.

HILLARY:  How do I campaign without criticizing him?

ANN LEWIS:  Go positive, your Majesty. Commend his Muslim roots, his readiness to nuke Pakistan if he’s disrespected, his “Buy American” initiative encouraging drug cartels to shop here for their arms needs.  You’ll appear generous while planting doubts.

HILLARY:  Wonderful!  He rejects my “compliments,” he looks petty. Serpenthead?

JAMES CARVILLE:  Exalted One, reach out to our loyal media familiars to push this meme — under Obama, the poor may be obese and own iPads and SUVs, but their children are still going to bed hungry. (more…)

REP. CHARLES RANGEL:  Hiya boys and girls.  It’s me again, your Uncle Chollie in Washington.  I help your Uncle Sam take care of you and your mom, and your dad, too, if he hasn’t run off yet.

I’m here to introduce someone special, a person who can calm the raging Maxine Waters with a look, sell solar panels below cost and still make a profit, and cause the stock market to plummet with a single word.

C’mon, kids, give it up for the President of the United States, Baraaccck Obama!

FADE TO:

A Command and Control bunker deep beneath the White House.  Wearing a headset, the President is sitting at a console facing three large-screen HD monitors showing complementary views of a tactical assault in progress.   He is issuing orders.

At a break in the action, the CIC swivels to face the camera, covers his mike, and whispers:

Hey kids.  Good to see you again.   Hold on a sec; I’m just finishing up a mission here.

He turns back to direct the closing moments of the operation:

Zulu 1: secure perimeter.  Henderson: white SUV fleeing site.  Task Predator to take it out.  Bravo 1: Standoff See-Through Infrared shows targets at top of stairwell. Body signatures confirmed.  Authorization granted. [pause] Roger that.  Well done.  Bring me back some ears. (more…)

JAY CARNEY:  Sir, word from the Senate on your American Jobs Act.  Majority Leader Reid is complaining of constipation.  Says he’s been pushing since yesterday, but he can’t pass the bill.

OBAMA:  Merde!  After I did all the heavy lifting.  Damn do-nothing Congress.

VALERIE JARRETT:  Good thing you’re leaving the country next week, sir.  No one can blame you if the measure tanks when you’re abroad on official business.

OBAMA: Where am I off to?

BILL DALEY:  You’ll begin your working tour of Scotland’s golf courses on Monday, sir.  Meanwhile, the First Lady and several dozen close friends and family members are already aboard the presidential yacht, Alinsky, en route to the Galapagos for a holiday.

OBAMA:  Message her confirmation that we’ll rendezvous a week from Friday on the Côte d’Azur.  When do I return home?

DALEY:  Um, we want to be flexible, sir.  Tell him, Poll Boy.

CHUCK TODD:  Recent surveys indicate hiring spikes and an uptick in consumer confidence when you’re away, sir.  It’s as if some great weight was lifted from. . . . .

OBAMA:  I get it, Chuck.  All right.  Add Ireland to my itinerary.  Inform Michelle I’ll join her on the Riviera October 1^st.  Eric, do you have this “Gunwalker” thing under control? (more…)

BILL DALEY: Boehner’s office just called, sir.  He’s changed his mind.  Says you can address the joint session next Friday at 2:00 a.m.

OBAMA:  Cheeky b**tard.  All right, accept.  Eric, have Federal marshals available to round up and escort legislators to the Chamber.  Encourage them to be rough with Republicans.

JAY CARNEY: Our dirty tricks team affixed a wireless speaker under Joe Wilson’s seat, sir. We’ll trigger it to replay “You lie!” four minutes into your remarks.

BRIAN WILLIAMS:  Afterward, our technicians will enhance the audio, pinpoint the source, and nail him.  Wilson will deny, but voiceprint analysis confirms it’s his voice.

OBAMA:  And another firestorm.  Man never learns.

DAVID PLOUFFE:  Lotta voters throwing the Kool-Aid back in our faces, sir.  I wonder if a speech touting investment in urine-powered cars and prefabricated bamboo homes will help your numbers.

OBAMA:  Anyone with a better idea?

CARNEY:  Do a 180, sir: have a “Come-to-Jesus Moment” before the whole country, announcing you’ve finally realized you’re a socialist ideologue. (more…)

[As the Republican nominee begins his opening statement, President Obama reflects.*]

I

Ooooh . . . he speaks, the right’s Orion!

Expel your foul dis-charges—phew!

Could glares steal breath, Paulie Ryan,

‘Bout now you’d be turning blue!

Huh?  Big spending cuts are needed?

Ah, Fed tax rates mustn’t rise.

And these . . . “facts” I’ve not conceded?

Why?  They’re falsehoods, damn your eyes!

II

In the past we’ve had discussions–

“Paul–thanks for coming!”—I must bear

Rants on Market repercussions,

Treas’ry futures, budget snares.

Our job outlook’s pathetic; rarely

Has it been this bad, I think.

Want a deal to face this squarely?

Want emetics in your drink? (more…)

BILL DALEY:  The delegation is here, sir.

OBAMA:  All right.  Bring them in.  Let’s get this over with.

[enter Clintons, DNC Chair, Reid, Pelosi, Pollster John Zogby, Jesse Jackson, George Soros]

WASSERMAN SCHULTZ:  John, tell the President what you told us.

ZOGBY:  The debt-ceiling deal hasn’t helped you, sir.  We’ve just completed a telephone survey of 1000 people.  10% said they would hold their noses and vote to reelect you; 10% complained the aides were mean, the kids never visited, and the home smelled like disinfectant; and 80% vowed to vote for your opponent, whoever he is.

OBAMA:  Bad, yes, but there’s still time to  . . . .

NANCY PELOSI:  Tell him the rest, John.

ZOGBY:  The survey was limited to Democrats in Ms. Pelosi’s district, sir.  Of those who swear you won’t get their vote, 40% say they plan to register and cast ballots in neighboring districts as well.

PELOSI:  Obviously, they’re good Democrats, sir.  They’ve simply had it with you.

OBAMA:  So, you want me to stand down in 2012 for . . . Hillary?

WASSERMAN SCHULTZ:  God no, sir.  It’d look like we pushed you out.  Poof goes the black vote.  We want you to run but . . . welcome her primary challenge.

VALERIE JARRETT:  Ah, I get it.  He’s supposed to lose gracefully, then stump for Hillary next fall in places like Harlem, Watts, and Liberty City, where his approval rating is holding steady at 97%.  I’d pass, sir.

HILLARY:  Way I look at it, Mr. President, Billy Jeff here broke trail for you in the 90s.  “First Black President,” and all.  You owe us.

(more…)

OBAMA:  Ryan’s the one who’s giving their caucus spine.  And he still won’t budge?

VALERIE JARRETT:  No, sir.  His family . . .  release them?

OBAMA:  Not yet.  Give it another day or two.  Let Mrs. Ryan have formula for the baby, though.

BILL DALEY:  What about Kucinich?  He’ll block the House from doing anything that passes muster with Senate Democrats.

OBAMA:  Get him on the horn.

[Daley dials, hands phone to President]

Hey Dennis, how ya doin’?  Look, if the Boehner plan blows up in the House, we think we can get the Senate to swallow the Reid Plan.  But first we have to get it through your chamber, and as long as you don’t . . . .  Well, yes, I remember our discussion.  [sighs] Yes, I agree to your terms.  [hangs up]

DAVID PLOUFFE:  What did you just promise him, sir?

OBAMA:  On my next overseas trip, we’ll install a booster seat in Air Force One’s co-pilot chair, and he’ll pretend to fly the plane.

JARRETT:  Well, that’s not too bad.

JOE BIDEN: I hate to bring it up, Boss, but I busted my butt with the Gang of Six, and uh, you said . . . . (more…)

The White House

Office of the Press Secretary

For Immediate Release
July 14, 2011

Press Conference by the President

Fort Belvoir Golf Club Locker Room

1:03 P.M. EDT

THE PRESIDENT:  Good afternoon.  As you can see, we’re trying something different today.  You’re in the White House Briefing Room, and I’m here at the club.   Jay thought things would be more pleasant if he put some distance between me and all you bird dogs.

Anyway, I just finished eighteen holes and figured I’d do another presser to light a fire under McConnell and Boehner.  Also, I have several announcements to make before I evade your questions.

First, the putt I made on #3 had to be at least 40 feet, and I . . . . [looks off screen] Huh?  Ok, sorry Jay.

As you know, Republicans refuse to raise taxes on entrepreneurs who selfishly exploit the system to create non-green businesses for profit.  My pleas to House Speaker Boehner to punish these start-ups—uh, I mean upstarts—for chasing their dreams instead of saving the planet have been rebuffed.  I am still hopeful we can resolve this issue my way in a bipartisan fashion.

Secondly, next Wednesday I’ll be conducting a televised “Conversation with Older Americans” in senior centers and convalescent homes across the country.  Attendance is mandatory for those on Social Security, except for individuals not expected to live through November 2012. (more…)

ABANDON ALL HOPE OF CHANGE

PALIN DELENDA EST

Democratic National Committee

Unposted Principals’ Meeting

July 5, 2011

OFFICERS PRESENT

Debbie Wasserman Schultz, National Chair

Mike Honda, Vice Chair

Linda Chavez-Thompson, Vice Chair

OFFICER NOT TOLD OF MEETING

Donna Brazile, Vice Chair

INVITED GUESTS

Harry Reid, Senate Majority Leader

Nancy Pelosi, House Minority Leader

John Zogby, Pollster

Brian Williams, Network Liaison

George “Daddy Warbucks” Soros

WASSERMAN SCHULTZ: John, what’s the latest?

ZOGBY:  No change.  A commenter picked at random from Breitbart’s biggovernment.com would thrash President Obama next year in all 57 states, despite ACORN’s Get-Out-the-Dead-Vote project.  The down-ticket effects would be equally catastrophic. (more…)

[White House exercise facility]

MICHELLE:  Well, come in, people.  Geithner, Carney–get your skinny butts over here and spot for me while I press 250.  Everybody else, pull up a mat and sit so we can start.

JOE BIDEN:  Huh?  Why’s the Boss over in the corner in his PJs staring out the window?

MICHELLE:  Off the record.  He’s stressed out.  I’m running things until his therapist clears him for duty. Anybody got a problem with that?

DAVID PLOUFFE:  No Ma’m, but, uh . . . .

MICHELLE:  What happened?  Yesterday, he had to layup on the first par 5 at Burning Tree and couldn’t choose between a 6-iron and 7-iron.  Told his playing partners he wanted to sleep on it.  At dinner, a steward asked what flavor parfait he preferred for dessert.  Midnight, he was still muttering, “I like the strawberry, but the peach appeals to me, too.”

BILL DALEY:  Deteriorating decision-making skills.  It’s worse than when I came on board.  Hell, CIA knew where bin Laden was hiding since mid-2009.   The President couldn’t pull the trigger.  I had to use his autopen to sign the order okaying the Seal operation on Osama’s compound.

MICHELLE:  Hmmph.  Didn’t have a problem deciding on those chili dogs and stepping on my nutrition message the other day. (more…)

OBAMA:  So I said, “Damn right, George.  The Force is with me.”  Anyway, it’s official: Lucas will produce and Spielberg will direct Barack CoJones and the Compound of ISI, with Denzel Washington playing me and Cat Stevens as Osama. Release date: October 2012.

KATHLEEN SEBELIUS:  I’ll announce healthcare waivers for Paramount, Lucasfilm Ltd., and Amblin Entertainment at 3:00 a.m. Saturday morning, Mr. President.

DAVID PLOUFFE: We should beef up your macho bona fides in the short term, sir.

VALERIE JARRETT:  And tie it into family values.  Visit your destitute brother in Africa and give him a few bucks, sir.  Then go into the bush without your Secret Service detail and kill a lion with a spear.  Gutsier than Palin shooting a moose with a 30-06 at two hundred yards.

OBAMA:  Maybe I’ll do just that once I force Netanyahu to risk national suicide for a shot at peace.  Leon, where’s Iran at right now.

PANETTA:  [checks wall map] Same place as yesterday, sir.

OBAMA:  Militarily, Leon.

PANETTA:  Oh.  We estimate they’ll have one Hiroshima-level nuke by Labor Day.  As you ordered, sir, our forces in the region remain on alert and are prepared take out Israel’s air force if an attack on Iran appears imminent.

JARRETT:  That would certainly give the lie to wingnuts who say you don’t have the guts for preemptive action, sir.

BILL DALEY:  Biden’s here . . . I think.

(more…)

OBAMA:  Serendipity.   Egypt couldn’t have blown up at a better time.  Judge Vinson’s ruling on the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act got just a paragraph on A18.

ROBERT GIBBS:  Damn the Times!  It was supposed to be two sentences on B37.  Well, the distraction won’t last forever, sir.  It’ll be big news when the courts finally kill the PPACA. We need to deflect responsibility for the fiasco from you.

OBAMA:  Agreed.  Bob, at your next briefing, blast Republicans for goading me into signing the bill before I was able to study it.  Consigliere?

BILL DALEY:  Won’t do, sir.  Let’s get ahead of the wave.  Order Holder to join Virginia in seeking an expedited review of the health-care overhaul before the Supremes.  We take our medicine, lose 5-4, and walk away.

JOE BIDEN: Bad idea. We’d still be twisting in the wind for months. I say, throw your weight behind immediate Congressional repeal, Boss.  Cauterize the wound.  Start over fresh.

VALERIE JARRETT:  But . . . without the House, we can’t pass legislation covering the 145 million uninsured Americans and proto-citizens with preexisting conditions.

BIDEN:  Who’s sayin’ we wanna actually pass another bill?  The whole shebang blew up in our faces only after the Big Guy signed the original into law.

OBAMA:  Hmm.  So, when the act’s repealed, Democrats initiate another health-care debate and fight the good fight with no hope of a second devastating success in a divided Congress.  Stalemate.

(more…)

JOE BIDEN: Man, the wingnuts smoked us in midterms.

OBAMA: Yeah, they kicked our butts all right. Hey, I’m craving a cigarette. Anybody got one?

BIDEN: A cryin’ shame, Boss. Like you said last week, Boehner’ll drive the budget bus while we’re sittin’ in back scratchin’ our . . . .

OBAMA: Didn’t say that, Joe. Said I was “itching for a fight.”

DAVID AXELROD: Besides the veto, only one real option’s left to you come January, sir: creative new abuses of your executive powers.

OBAMA: Agreed. Listen up, everyone. Assume gridlock and suggest end runs around Congress on savings and revenue. Janet, you start.

NAPOLITANO: Disband the INS and employ drug traffickers to police our southern border, sir; they know the territory and consider human smugglers scum.

DAVID PLOUFFE: That would save us a bundle and show you’re serious about stopping uncredentialed landscapers infiltrating from Juárez and Tegulcigalpa, Mr. President.

(more…)