It’s official. I have returned to my Liberal roots, and have chosen to embrace Liberalism as I did from birth until 1994. It makes no sense to fight the tsunami of government anymore, and the truth is, Liberals have had it right all along. I was completely brainwashed by right-wing talking points, and during a session with my masseuse, she opened up some chakras that wiped my mind clear.

No longer having a mind, I’m putting my intellect to work on making Liberal policies work with maximum impact. I hope Big Government readers can forgive me. Your close-mindedness and hate speech cannot hold a candle to doing what is right.
Healthcare
As a Resurrected Liberal, I strongly endorse government intervention to protect people, primarily from themselves. People have shown they are not capable of personal responsibility or making good choices. They eat too much. They drink too much. They are too stupid to know who the best candidate is. Therefore, I endorse a Universal Health Care option that, among other things, will tackle several epidemics in our country.
Obesity, for example, is running rampant. The First Lady has made it her project to get people to eat healthy and trim down. The problem is that a lot of people just won’t listen, and they are going to eat bad food no matter what they get told, and no matter how often they get the USDA Food Pyramid shoved in their face.
I propose a tax be instituted on all people who exceed their ideal body weight, as determined by the Department of Health. The tax should really hit fat people hard, because once their pocketbook lightens, they will, too. I suggest a $1000 tax per pound per year per person. When they visit their doctor for their free health care, the doctor will record their weight on a standardized scale that a government factory will produce, populated with unionized government employees at a flat salary of $90,000 per year, plus a pension that will have contributions made on their behalf as part of their employment.
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